No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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