I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
