he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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