You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
