the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
