hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
