$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I want her autograph on my taint
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
