how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
