Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
