Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
