Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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