I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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