2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
