It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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