how can u be prego again
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
