i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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