This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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