I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
