If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
When are your genitals available?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
