They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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