Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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