I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
