I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
