I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
