I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
