Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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