either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Randomize
