i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize