Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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