its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
i think i just lost a toe
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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