If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
