I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
