not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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