omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
