Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
