I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
