Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You can't motorboat a personality
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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