The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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