like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
why do cheetos always look like penises
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
