i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
