I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
