i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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