I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
