Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
