Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
