I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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