so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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