having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
