I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
