i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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