After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
