I'm jealous of your bromance
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
